For a short time there I was actually feeling pretty good. Enjoying my job, and things were going smoothly at home.
Then last Thursday I started feeling down, and like a snowball rolling downhill its just gotten bigger and bigger and bigger.
My eyes hurt. We still haven’t gotten my glasses. Robert and I have been fighting a lot again, and I’ve been dwelling on all the pretty things in life I want that I can’t have and about how its never going to change and I’m never going to be able to outrun the poverty I was born into. I’m not as poor now as I was then, but I’ll certainly never be one of those people who can buy things on a whim.
While money doesn’t mean everything to me, it does mean SOMETHING, and the idea of never being able to have what I want is not a happy making thought.
Now, one of my aunts recently went in to have a gall stone removed and while in there they found a spot on her liver. They think its cancer.
This aunt has had cancer before and beat it. They don’t know if it’s the melanoma back, or something new.
I’ve lost 2 uncles and 1 aunt already to cancer. I’m not looking to loose someone else right now. And there is a dirty, rotten, mean voice in the heart of me that is saying, “At least its her and not the aunt I’m closest to, and not my daddy.”
But, there is a knowledge that one of them will be next. Cancer is a hungry monster who likes the taste of that particular group of siblings.
I need one of those holes.
You know, one of those holes you crawl into and never come out of again.
What I’m trying to do instead is disappear into the internet, but that’s not working today. Not enough is going on to keep me occupied.
So, I’m just sitting here waiting on it to be 9 o’clock so I can listen to Shitty Blogs Radio, and then go to bed.
Tonight is the Listener’s Choice show and I’m interested in seeing which of my suggestions made it into the lineup. Also interested in seeing what the Other SBR listeners asked for.
I wish I could get skype to work for me. I don’t understand why it wont. I set everything up exactly like they told me to. And when that didn’t work I went back and set it the opposite of what they said to do, just to see if that would work. It doesn’t work.
My computer desk is in danger of collapsing. I’ve been trying to get Robert to buy a new one. He doesn’t like any he finds. They are “too long” he says.
We’ll see what’s “too long” when the legs finally collapse out from under this one and everything hits the floor.
I hope he’s ON the computer when it happens. I hope I’m not home though.
Posted by YummY! ::
2:37 PM ::
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