This post will possibly be very vulgar to some people. If vomit, eating diorders, self injury or cancer bothers you, you should stop reading now. If you think I'm an attention whoring drama queen, also stop reading now.
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Something Utopia wrote the other day made me think of this. I started to blog about it, then changed my mind, and I started to write about it again, and changed my mind again.
I don't like writing about the gritty emotional parts of my life. I'm so afraid that people think I'm doing it to get attention, because I was raised in that atmosphere....if I show emotion I'm doing it to get attention.
But I know that I have several readers here who like it best when I keep it real, and will find this more interesting than my usual "this is what I did today" blog entries.
So, now I’m writing about it a third time, and if you’re actually reading it that means I didn’t change my mind again.
I suffer from Disordered Eating.
No, I’m not anorexic. I’m not bulimic. I don’t know what I am “officially”. I call it “Emotional Vomiting”
And, no, it has nothing to do with the blog in my blogroll by a similar name.
Since high school, whenever I’m over emotional, I have to vomit. I mean, I HAVE to vomit. If I have nothing in my tummy to puke out, I will eat something and THEN vomit.
And I’m talking full on binge eating, forcing EVERYTHING down my throat that I can, until I feel sicker, then going and puking it out.
Occasionally, when I have nothing in me already to vomit up, and can’t eat (in situations like work) then I end up doing other things...chewing on the inside of my mouth until its ragged and bleeding, ripping my hair out, slapping myself, slamming my head against the nearest wall until someone grabs me and pulls me away. (That was something else that my family also accused me of doing just to get attention.)
The vomiting keeps me from REALLY hurting myself.
So maybe its not Disordered Eating as much as it is a form of SI.
You know SI right? SI is when people who are unable to deal with their emotions physically hurt themselves, usually by cutting themselves.
I dont know anyone else who does this....vomits to help their emotions. I've tried to find support for it, but can't find anyone who understands. When its at its worst I tend to spend a lot of time in bulimia chat rooms becasue thats as close as I can come to someone who understands.
My dad has a meth addiction, my brother is on medication for hearing voices, and I'm try to vomit my pain away. We're a reall salt of the earth family, huh.
In the past 2 years, my emotional vomiting has gotten out of control. A lot of it is the unstable relationship I have with my husband. If not my husband, it’s the way my customers treat me, and my family, and total strangers.
Since around the Christmas rush at work, not a single day has gone by where I have not come home from work, eaten enough for 3 people, and promptly puked it up before taking a long hot bath, sometimes crying, sometimes screaming, sometimes as if nothing had just happened.
And sometimes, shit piles up so much that even the puking doesn’t make me feel any better.
Remember my aunt, the one where they found cancer on her liver? Well, now they’ve also found it in her lungs, her bone marrow, and her lymph nodes. They’re giving her months to live.
So, on Easter I plan to go visit my dying aunt.
And people wonder why I can be so ANGRY at god all the time.
Tonight I ate half a pizza, 2 large chicken breasts, drank a 2 litter of coke and vomited until nothing was coming up but bile and blood.
I don’t feel any better. No better at all.
My Emotional Vomiting to feel better isn’t working anymore.
Now, I don’t know what to do to make the hurting stop.
(Again, this isn’t a pity post. I don’t do pity posts, but my readers seem to enjoy when I get real and gritty about myself and my life...and it doesn’t get much grittier than trying to vomit my pain away.)
Posted by YummY! ::
8:14 PM ::
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